How to teach a baby to self soothe

This is a very common question with many new parents who’s baby relies on being held and soothed 24 hours a day in order to feel safe, happy, and to sleep well. There is a big problem with this. Where does this leave mom and dad? It is great if parents are robots, however, they are people who need to be able to do their daily tasks, and more importantly sleep without the constant need to have to soothe their baby back to sleep every 30 minutes during the night, and for naps during the day. The common question I receive is “How do I teach my baby how to self soothe?”

Parents prefer to be able to teach their baby to self soothe without the crying, but in most cases, that isn’t realistic. You will get some tears because they are used to a certain way of falling asleep, and when that is no longer happening, the are going to protest. Just remember they are fine, they are simply trying to communicate their displeasure with you.

Before I get into how to teach a baby to self soothe at night, let me talk about the daytime for a minute. If your baby is fine with you putting them down in their exersaucer, swing, or their activity gym on the floor during wake time, then the night-time will go so much easier to teach the self-soothing skill to. However, if they cry and just want you to immediately pick them back up when you put them down during wake time, you will need to work on this first before you teach the night soothing skill.

Teaching your baby how to be ok with you putting them down during wake time.

You put your baby down in their swing, or excersauser, or on the floor to do some playtime but they immediately want to be picked up, what do you do? First things first, don’t pick them up. Sit beside them and show them that your right there and they are fine where they are. Distract them with a book, or toy and make it seem really fun. This shows them that they can do their playtime out of your arms and it can be very fun. Set a time limit where you do this before you pick them back up. So first time set it for 15 minutes of them playing on their own, then gradually increase it as their comfort level increases. Then once they can play just fine out of your arms while your in the room, try leaving the room (while still being in eye sight your eye little one) for a couple mins then go back in. Gradually increase the time you leave the room as their comfort level increases. This gives them an opportunity to feel safe in their environment without you physically beside them but knowing you are close. It also gives them a chance to explore their environment and figure out how things work on their own. Once they can get this part down, night-time soothing is much easier to teach because it is very much the same.

Teach babe how to self soothe at night.

This is much the same as teaching daytime settling. This requires you to be calm, cool and collected. Your baby is watching how you respond to their cries for help. If you come in stressed and you pick them up right away and put them to sleep, they are going to feel their sleep environment requires you to always put them to sleep. Where as if you respond to their cries in a calm manner and just reassure them that they are fine and that they can fall asleep on their own, and give them the opportunity to learn how, they will catch on a lot faster.

I’ll give you an example of what I mean. My youngest is 3 now, and he depended on me to put him to sleep when he was about 3 weeks old until I was at my wits end and he was 4 months old. With the several night wakings and the constant screaming during the day if he didn’t contact nap, I had enough of it.

 The night came where my husband put him down for the night with his lovey and just left him to see what he would do. Well…..he started SCREAMING!! We did our check-ins to make sure he was fine, then left for 5-10 mins then back in again we went. Once he quit screaming long enough to realize his lovey was right beside him, they became best friends and that was it. He was completely fine after that, and naps and night-time were a breeze. It took him a few nights to figure it out, but had I kept intervening he wouldn’t have figured out for himself what worked. Now, even when he is sick, he doesn’t not want my husband or I to help him if he is uncomfortable. He always tries to figure it out on his own. The small amount of crying (which seemed endless at the time) at the beginning was completely worth it.

Once you’ve done the bedtime routine with your baby, and you put them in their crib, go ahead and leave the room for about 3-5 mins. If they aren’t crying but just laying there happily, go ahead and leave them to try to fall asleep on their own. If they are just fussing don’t intervene. Let them try to figure it out on their own. Now, if their crying is more than just fussing, go in and reassure them they are fine and your close by. Once they are calm, leave again for 3-5 mins and don’t go in again until they need you. Repeat this process until they are asleep. You do the same strategy for night wakings, and naps as well. By leaving the room, you are giving them a chance to find their own way that works for them to go to sleep, but they know that you are close by if they really do need you.