Easing Separation Anxiety
Raising kids is a massive responsibility. In this day and age there is so much information about EVERYTHING it is so easy for parents to get overwhelmed, leaving them with feelings of guilt and inadequacy. As a sleep consultant I see this all the time from parents whose babies are not sleeping well.
One of the other major contributors to the “I’m doing something wrong,” sensation is separation anxiety; that oh-so-challenging part of a child’s life when they start to completely flip their lids whenever Mom is not around. This is most likely the thought process of your little one:
- Mommy is not in the room.
- Mommy is somewhere else.
- I would prefer to be there with her.
- Make that happen, or mark my words, I shall raise the most unimaginable of ruckuses.
And those ruckuses leave us, as parents, to wonder, “Am I doing something wrong?
After all, a well-adjusted child should probably feel reasonably safe when they are separated from their parents for a little while, shouldn’t they? Your co-worker says her baby is perfectly content being left with her sitter, even overnight. And that one mom in your Facebook group said that her baby will happily play by herself for hours at a time.
Two things to keep in mind:
First, never compare yourself, or your child, to the mothers and babies described in the parenting groups on social media. There is always a “behind the scenes” behaviour that are not always shown on social media.
Second, separation anxiety is completely normal, and a sign of a healthy attachment between parent and child.
What exactly is Separation Anxiety?
Separation anxiety typically starts to occur around 6-8 months of age, when your little one starts to realize that life moves on even when they are not in sight. It is a cognitive milestone known as “object permanence” which is defined as, “the understanding that objects continue to exist even when they cannot be observed.” In other words, out of sight no longer means out of mind.
As your baby begins to grasp this concept, they realize that if you, their favorite person in the whole world, are not there, you are somewhere else. Then it is possible you might not be coming back. This realization, for a baby, is obviously cause for full-blown panic. The thought of a parent leaving and not returning causes anxiety in most grown-ups so you can hardly expect an infant to fully understand this concept.
That is what happens in your little one’s brain when they suddenly start having a meltdown every time you leave the room. It is normal, it is natural, and it is a sign that your little one is learning, and that they have a secure attachment to their parent. Great Job!!
But, as many of us know, it also means that leaving them with a sitter or dropping them off at day care can be an absolute horror show. What we really want to know is “What’s causing this?” and “How do I prevent it?”
You probably would not want to if you could. I mean, really, wouldn’t you be just a little devastated if you left your child with a stranger and they were just completely OK with it? I am guessing that would be more troubling than some tears and howling.
But we obviously want to keep things at a happy medium, and if you are struggling with a child who is melting down every time you try to run an errand or head out for date night, I have got some suggestions to take the edge off until this phase runs its course.
- Lead by Example
Your little one follows your cues, so if you are not willing to let them out of your sight, they probably feel like they are not safe if you are not in the room. Designate a room where they can explore a little and play without your direct supervision. It is a small adjustment, but it has a tremendous effect.
2. Do not Avoid It
Learning about separation and reunion is an important milestone. Try not to take the path of least resistance and stay with your child 24/7 until they are seven years old. Let them know that it is okay for them to get upset when you leave and reassure them that you will always come back when you do. If there are some tears around it, that is alright. This is an important concept that they need to get on board with.
3. Start Gradually
Once your little one has started to demonstrate the understanding that they will be spending some time with someone besides a parent, make it a short outing. Do not plan on dinner and a movie or an overnighter for the first few attempts.
4. Start with Someone Familiar
Kids typically do a little better being left with a grandparent or family friend who they have already spent some time with, and who they have grown to trust a little. Call in a favor and plan to spend at least an hour away from the house for the first few attempts.
5. Stick Around for a While
After your sitter, parent, friend, or whoever is watching your little one arrives, plan to hang around for a half hour or so. Seeing that this is someone you are familiar with will go a long way in reassuring your child that they are “safe people” and worthy of their trust.
6. Face the Music
Many of us have, at least once, attempted to distract our toddlers and then sneak out the door without saying goodbye. But even if your little one sheds some tears it is important for your child to understand that you are going to leave sometimes, and that you will be back when you say you will.
7. Establish a Routine
Much like bedtime, a solid, predictable goodbye routine helps your little one recognizes and accept the situation. A set number of kisses and hugs, a memorable key phrase, and a clear indication of when you will be back should be just the right balance of short and reassuring.
8. Speak in Terms They will Understand
Instead of telling them how long you will be gone, tell them when you will be back regarding their schedule. After nap time, before bed, after dinner, before bath time, and so on.
Nothing is going to prevent your child from getting a little bit upset when you leave, but you can keep the fuss to a minimum.
Now, I should add here that these techniques are suggested for kids who are dealing with ordinary, everyday separation anxiety. There is also a condition called Separation Anxiety Disorder which is obviously more serious and warrants a trip to your pediatrician if you suspect your little one might be afflicted with it.
But for normal fussing when you try to leave the house for an hour or two, these tips should go a long way towards remedying the problem. Be consistent, supportive, assertive, and calm. Before long, your child will understand the concept of you leaving and coming back.
